Day 1257. 18th November 2009. Dumped.

Update

Four years ago I was at Newcastle University studying for a MSc in Renewable Energy Engineering. Three years ago I had just arrived in the Tibetan village of Litang, perched precariously on the Himalayan plateaux at a lofty 4800m (the same height as Mont Blanc - Western Europe's highest peak). I remember gasping for breath in the thin air. Two years ago I was in the Yangmengshan mountians near Taipei in Northern Taiwan. I remember enjoying a steak in a posh restaurant in Banciao on the way home (that my boss paid for:). One year ago I was on a drinking binge in the Khao San Road area of Bangkok. This year I am in Trang teaching maths, riding motorbikes and getting.................

Dumped

Well, it had to happen eventually given my track record with the opposite sex. Little Pat dumped me last week. Flashbacks of Taiwan and all my other ex-girlfriends come racing to my mind. 'C'est la vie' I think the French say. I've just moved into a new room on the other side of town. The above photo is Pat celebrating Loy Kratong - our final official outing as a couple!

Vegetarian Festival

On the 19th October Trang hosted a vegetarian festival. Above is a brief shot of a town center stage being built.

Many people dressed in white robes and performed self-flagellation - a bit like these lads above. Unluckily I missed this whole event as I went on an extraordinary motorbike ride. It looks similar to the Hindu festival I saw in Penang a few years ago. Indian men would pierce ludicrous metallic objects through their bodies - urrgghh.

Extraordinary motorbike ride

When I turned up for work on Monday 19th October, I was informed that we had a further two weeks holiday to endure - nightmare! How will I possibly cope with another two weeks holiday? We've now had almost 6 weeks free in September and October - excellent. I wasted no time in jumping on the motorbike and buggering off somewhere. I left the next day for Pattaya - an ambitious 1050km away, the equivalent of driving from Plymouth to Aberdeen. I left Trang at midday, passing Sung Tong and Surat Thani before arriving in Chumpon at 1800. I found a cheap room, ate, walked around and had an early night ready for my next slog the next day.

I woke the next day at 0700 and after a small Thai breakfast of a 'coffee and cigarette' I was ready for the push to Pattaya. Shortly after leaving Chumpon I spotted this pickup loaded with coconuts, a trolley, a man and half a dozen monkeys! I passed through Prachuap Kirikan and Petchaburi noticing how the land changes from Rubber farms to coconut plantations and rice fields:
I reached Bangkok and drove around lost with no map for 2 hours. I bought a map and asked the staff in 7-11 if they could point to where I was. They pointed to the wrong place - fecking idiots. It's safe to say Thai folk don't know their arses from their elbows when it comes to directions. I finally (and only because I speak Thai) discovered that motorbikes aren't allowed to cross any of the Chao Phraya River's main bridges. Only cars can use the big Bangkok highways. This meant I had to get a small boat from Phra Pradeng across the river to Samut Prakan.

Here I got both lucky and unlucky. I nice guy overheard me asking about how to get to Chonburi province. His house was on the way to the main road so he offered me the option of following him. I jumped at the chance. I never liked driving through Newcastle, and believe me, Bangkok is a million times more chaotic. So I was lucky to meet this guy and follow him on his crazy shortcut route. However, the downside was that we had to drive 2km through floods - the water was up to our knees. Finally we made it to the Pattaya bound road and after 4 hrs of Bangkok driving craziness I bought my new friend a coffee to say thanks and took a 10minute break. The remaining drive to Pattaya was straight forward except for the constant worry I might be on a road I'm not supposed to be on. I arrived in Pattaya exhausted at 2100, 13hrs after setting off from Chumpon. I was 1050km away from Trang having negotiated one of the World's major cities on a bike saddle. I had driven around the entire coastline of the Gulf of Thailand.

Pattaya - Disneyland for adults.

I met my good friend Armin at his regular digs in Pattaya. We headed out one day to the floating market:
It was very busy here with local tourists but the setting was beautiful.

Here we are wondering what time it is.

This guy was a Thai version of a Bob Marley violinist???????????????

As I have said before: Pattaya is crazy. It's a place of wonder. You get street-wise expats mixing with clueless fortnighters. Sex tourists rubbing shoulders with spiritual yoga types. The contrasts and contradictions are spectacular. To say Pattaya is authentic Thailand is like saying it's a bit nippy in the Arctic. It's an anomaly. A kaleidoscope of sex in the heart of an otherwise sexually conservative country.

I like this sign above. I've never seen a Happy Hour advertising for between 3am - 9am before! That's a 330ml beer for 65B. In Trang I can drink 640ml beers with my friend Richard for 33B.

Miss MENSA

I went to a temple on the top of a local hill with this lass. She claimed to sell shoes in Bangkok but I suspect she was in Pattaya to supplement her legitimate income with a bit of 'Nudge nudge wink wink' illicit income. We ate some som-tam and enjoyed these views before heading back into town where she advised me to drive the wrong way down a one way street. The conversation went something like this:

"Bai drong" Carry straight on
"Bai mai dai" We can't go straight
"Bai dai" We can
"Nae jai mai" Are you sure?
"Nae jai, bai dai, bai dai" I'm sure.
"OK then - you're the expert"

So, trusting her local instincts, I went straight on. I was immediately flagged down by a Policeman and handed over my license. He told me to report to the Police Station on Beach Road Soi 9. Meanwhile I asked this Thai female rocket scientist:

"Why did you tell me to go the wrong way down a one way road?"
"I don't know"
"Did you not see the Thai signs saying NO ENTRY?"
"Yes, but I thought we could still go"
"WTF????? WHY??????"
"I don't know, I've never driven a motorbike before"
"But surely NO ENTRY means NO ENTRY whether you've driven a motorbike or not"
"I don't know. I'm sorry"
"For f**ks sake man"

We headed to the police station with me pondering this woman's cognitive abilities. I was also questioning my own suspect powers of reasoning for listening to her stupid advice.

Pattaya Police Station

Absolutely clueless as to what was going on I entered the above Cop shop with my new 'part-time whore / part-time head-of-MENSA' friend. I collected a queue ticket and was delighted to discover I had about one hour to wait to be seen. Miss MENSA decided to leave me to it.

It was during this one hour wait that I realised some stark things. Of all the businesses in Pattaya, the Police is probably (no definitely) the most lucrative. While I was there I witnessed tens of thousands of baht going across the 'fine' counter. It took me 1hr of queuing to realise that the Pattaya police's business model is basically a form of legal scamming. The crimes ranged from 'no idea' to 'not wearing a helmet (along with 90% of the population)'. I handed over my fine of 600bt (extortion) with great disdain determined to never ride my bike in this town again.

Here's the queue of unfortunate souls who had fallen foul of the dreaded Pattaya Police. I think their particular traffic offense was 'Being on holiday in the vicinity of a motorbike'. They laughed at the ludicrous/blatant corruption as they handed over their 400baht so that they could resume their 'holiday'. What a way to spend an afternoon of your trip. Most folk had no idea why they were there. I would speculate that the Thai traffic police are the richest civil servants in Thailand. No other businesses were as successful as this!

Walking Street

There are many famous (or infamous) spots in Pattaya. Soi 6, Soi 7, Soi Honey and Soi Blowjob are just a few but the undisputed King of Sleaze has to be Walking Street. Here's Armin standing at the entrance to this 8th Wonder of the World.

Here's a shot of a random gogo bar. This is just one of thousands of sex-related establishments here in Pattaya.

Nok bar. I wouldn't mind 'Noking' those two lasses on the right. Working as a Teacher in Thailand always makes me feel relatively poor when I mix with 'rich foreigners' who have a boat load of holiday money to spend. The plus side is that I can stay here. I don't have to go back home to endure the worries, poorer quality of life and atrocious work/life balance that people in the West suffer for a fortnight in paradise.

People sell anything you can think of here. How about a 'Thairish coffee'? No? Me neither.

This is a bar complex just off Walking Street. This was early but I counted about 16 bars packed with hookers in here.

"Hellooooooo Weallcorme".
"Hellooooooo Hansum man, weallcorme, yuuu won maaasssaaaage?"

You will here stuff like this one million times every five minutes as you walk around Pattaya (unless you are Thai of course in which case nobody will bother you). In fact that's a weird thing here. You will never see Thai blokes in foreigner orientated bars. Somebody tried to tell me it's because they're not allowed to enter. I think that's bollicks. In Trang 90% of Thai blokes spend their free time in little Thai-only karaoke/knocking shops. I reckon 'our' kind of bars aren't their style. It's certainly not a money issue as I know many wealthy Thais. They just prefer shitty karaoke dumps.

Hua Hin

After an excellent full English breakfast, I left Pattaya at 1200 Monday 26th October. I re-traced my steps through Bangkok with less aggravation than my initial visit 5 days earlier. I re-crossed Chao Phraya River by boat and made it to Hua Hin by 2000. I noticed this bar sign above that bragged about "No loud music, Not a girlie bar". I laughed at that having just spent 5 nights in Sin City. I went for a few quiet beers as I wanted to head back to Trang the following day (my money was becoming tight). However, as per usual, a few quiet beers turned into an alcoholic nightmare. All because of this bloke:

This is Zippy. He's from somewhere in Newcastle and he's mental. I met him at about 0200 in a bar that was closing. We discovered we had similar roots and decided a few more beers were in order. We sat outside a 7/11 convenience store downing cheap beers until 1000 the next morning. I think he said he had been to prison although it's hard to remember. I know for sure why he's called Zippy and it's not because of George, Bungle and Rainbow. He has a tattoo of a huge zip from his spine to the top of his head! I would love to know his reasons for that! Reminds me of a Cockney bloke in Bali who had a tattoo of a cigarette behind his ear!

I woke up at 2000 that thinking there's no way I'm leaving for Trang tonight. I had a coffee while these two lasses dressed in Northern Thai attire started hassling me.

"Hello"
"Mai ow cap" I don't want anything thanks.
(Remain standing in your bodily space staring at you).
"Aak bai, mai mee tang cap" Please go away, I have no money.
"Falang gohoc" The white man is a liar.
"Mai gohoc" No I'm not.
"Falang gohoc" The white man is a liar.
Then they walk away.

This is very South East Asian. Since I work in this country I have endeavoured to learn the language. Even though I tell them in their own language that I'm skint (it was Tuesday and I got paid on Friday), they still won't believe you as they can't see past the white skin. It really pisses me off sometimes. They basically called me a liar because I wouldn't buy any of their useless shitty beads. My skin also elevates me to the status of millionaire despite the realities of my situation. Normally, when you speak Thai they'll leave you alone since you've accrued some credibility. However, this is not always the case as some people are simply irrational.

So I hung around some more bars and met this Irish bloke who likes to flirt with ladyboys.

Homeward bound

I left Hua Hin on Thursday morning with enough money to fill the motorbike. In fact a ladyboy loaned me 400bt so I could pay my room. Unluckily, someone had stolen my UK ATM card and I only had 1000bt in my Thai bank account.

Coincidentally, I lost my ATM card the same day Pat dumped me by phone. It never rains but it pours.

Riding the Harley South again I passed this big golden Bhudda monument. The camera doesn't quite catch the light that seemed to light the whole thing up. It looked beautiful.

I arrived home and had an early night as my body ached from the long haul down Thailand. I washed and waxed my filthy bike the next day. It took 2 hours after accumulating over 2000km of dirt. I met Kiwi Mike from Penang who was in Thailand for a visa run and took the time visit Trang and say Hello. It was nice to share a bowl of noodles with him and Anna. They are now back in Penang. On Monday 2nd November I noticed this full moon down our street. It was Loy Kratong!

Loy Kratong

Loy Kratong is the most romantic of the many Thai festivals. Held on the 12th full moon in November, it is Thailand’s original festival for lovers.

Loy Kratong is a ceremony that venerates the Lord Buddha by offering floating trays laden with flowers, candles and incense. Loy translates to “float” in Thai, while Kratong pertains to a tray made from banana leaves. The light from the candle honors Lord Buddha, while the act of floating symbolizes the release of anger, resentment or any tarnishing of one’s character. It is a way for a person to make amends and start afresh.

In addition to this, most Thais also float their kratong to honor the goddess of the rivers and waterways, Mae Nam, who they believe will bring good luck. This ties in with the romantic element of Loy Kratong which stems from a legend about Nang Nopamas, who was a royal consort to King Ramkhamhaeng.

According to legend, Nopamas made the original Loy Kratong to appeasen Mae Nam, and set it afloat in the palace canals so that it would pass by her lover, the King. The King was enchanted by this creation and by Nang Nopamas forever after, hence the belief that if two lovers set a kratong into a waterway and it stays afloat until it has left sight, their love will last forever.

It was kind of ironic that Pat had dumped me 4 days before this! Nevertheless, we were still sharing her house as I had yet to find my own room. She asked if we should go to a local temple together to celebrate. I grudgingly went and felt a stab of pain as she sent her ceremonial candle down the river. Obviously she had someone else on her mind.

I watched with interest as these lanterns were launched. They look amazing. I've seen them before in Taiwan and here in Thailand but never managed a shot before.

They can go fantastically high into the sky!

Pak Meng
I may have been dumped. I may live alone in my new shitty room. I may have a very sore jaw from clenching my teeth for too long on the motorbike. I may not have seen blue sky for the last four days. But.........I'm still happy. Paul and Tip invited me to Pak Meng near Trang for a weekend break. I downed some beers as Paul took photos with his incredible photographic equipment and Tip rested in her room. Paul snapped me as sunset approached.

Here I am doing some kind of 'just scored a goal' pose.

Last weekend I got drunk on Thursday night (missed work next day), Friday night and Saturday night. I drank in Sawandeng, little shops with Richard, Seabreeze with all the guys and Bang Bar among a whole host of others.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday on the 19th November 2009. This is my 4th birthday on this trip. My 33rd was in Chengdu, China. My 34th was in Tainan, Taiwan. My 35th was in Pattaya, Thailand and my 36th will be in Trang, Thailand. Bizarrely, my school's 73rd birthday is on the same day! As you will probably appreciate by now, if you've been reading this blog, this will be a highly ceremonial occasion (the school's birthday - not mine). As a result we've had no classes today preparing stuff for tomorrow.

Som Nam Na - Serves you right.

Day 1227. Licenses and holidays.

Chinese festival

After buying the motorbike I've racked up an impressive 3000km in two weeks. I absolutely love it. I have reached parts of this country that no tourist would ever be likely to see. It's wonderful cruising along in the sunshine wearing flip-flops, shorts, T-shirt and shades. I went to the small town of Tung Yao to see a Chinese festival with floats and fireworks. The strong Chinese influence in Trang Province reminds me of my time in Taiwan. Even the famous Trang sweet pork is widely eaten in Taiwan.

Being held up in Trang town for another procession of monk carrying floats.

License

After buying the motorbike and riding it back to Trang I had to deal with the paperwork. The first job was to transfer the ownership document into my name. I headed to the Trang provincial transport department office only to be told that I have to go back to Nakkon Si Tammarat to change the document since this is where I bought the bike. Presumably Thailand operates its DVLC on a provincial basis????? So, the next day I arranged to meet the seller (Peter the Yank) in Nakkon. We went to the Nakkon provincial transport department office and emerged 2 hrs later with a small green book with my name written in it - cool. The bike is now legally mine.

On the torrential 2hr ride to Nakkon I manged to get this shot while stopped at red lights. This is quite common here. It's a Police Station sign combined with an ad for Coke. This strikes me as odd, it always raises a smile:

WELCOME TO YOUR LOCAL POLICE STATION.......
..............PROUDLY SPONSORED BY COCA COLA!!!!!!

Presumably Coke employees get discounts on fines and prison terms. Also preferential treatment at roadblocks as the cops guzzle down their free Cokes. Thailand - you have to love it.

I then proceeded to take my Thai motorcycle driving test. This involved mixing in with a load of locals to sit a theory test and a ride-your-bike-around-a-course-test. Nobody spoke English so I was wondering how I would tackle the above hand/eye co-ordination test. You were required to line up two white flags attached to the string.

Next I was given this book to revise Thai road signs. Luckily I can read basic Thai so this was no problem. The two on the left mean 'Stop' and 'Drive Slowly'.

Pretty straight forward so far.

I then had to sit at one of these computers and do 30 multiple choice questions about road safety in Thailand.

On first impressions I was a little worried that the questions would be in Thai. However, I was relieved to find there was an English version of the test available for foreigners. This relief was short-lived as I soon discovered the person who translated the test from Thai to English had no knowledge of the English language. The first question:

Q1. Sing this what?

A. Pass not
B. SOTP
C. Go can not
D. Sped max 50km/hr

OK? So you can just about make out what the question is talking about but the problem was there was no attached sign accompanying the question. I took a stab at 'Pass not' based on nothing but it sounding stupid.

One question had 4 pictures of dodgily parked cars and asked:

Car which park wrong?

Answer? I have no idea. All of them looked wrongly parked to me. I also got this one wrong although I'll never know why.

My favourite though was this:

Q. Drive can not Bangkok what?

A. Tuk-tuk miss wheel.
B. Car no have windscreen.
C. Tank.
D. A unicycle balanced on a pogo stick.

I went for 'tank'. Surely you can't drive a tank around the Thai capital? Alas you can, the answer was B.

I only got 21/30 which is a fail. However, I looked on this positively given the ridiculousness of the questions. I was allowed an immediate re-test and sailed through with 28/30.

I will never drive a car through Bangkok unless I'm sure it has a windscreen. I might even grin ironically as I'm stuck at red lights behind a tank!

Anyhow, here's my license. This 150THB piece of plastic will save me fines of 200THB when the police invariably stop me.

Holiday

Armed with my ownership document and new driving license I cruised up to Ao Nang near Krabi for another little holiday on my cheap-man's Harley. I met my mate Richard and wasted no time heading for this small strip of girly bars known as Soi Sunset. I had a cracking time here for 6 nights.

I also met Pree, Russel's half-Thai daughter who has been living in Switzerland but is coming to run the Falang bar here in Trang. She's a canny lass and it's great news that the bar will be back in action. Even better that gorgeous little Pree will be serving the beer and not her old crusty Fatha!

I went for a couple of walks when the hangovers weren't too severe. I discovered remote beaches like this one above.

Krabi province is sensational. Riding around this beautiful area is a total pleasure.

I liked the look of this Thai bloke sleeping in his hammock despite facing a busy tourist street. That is VERY Thai.

This is a new strip of bars that'll be open for the high season. I met some of the owners and they seemed quite excited about their new business ventures. I pointed out that now could be a risky time given we are currently experiencing a global downturn but my scepticism was brushed aside. Perhaps that's why I'll never be an entrepreneur - no balls for risk.

By the way, what's the French for entrepreneur?

Look at this hotel that looks like a Thai temple. This is as close as I'll ever get to spending a night in a place like this.

Arty? A silhouetted lonesome beach-front palm tree.

Ao Nang beach. Canny nice.

This is a building-in-progress stupa at Tiger temple near Krabi. I came out here after eating a superb Full English Breakfast with Joe, my American Krabi mate.

Motorbike adventures

Doing 3000km in two weeks has been amazing. This is a shot of some longtail boats in Hat Yao. I want to buy one of these so that I can sail around the Andaman Islands of my own free will. I have asked Ole to keep an eye out for me.

Here's Ole smiling after we have eating some Boo Nim - a kind of fried crab concoction. Very tasty.

However, care should be taken on the restaurant walkway.

A seaward view from the 5 star restaurant. Nice boats.

A landward view from the 5 star restaurant. Nice slums.

This is the sign indicating you are entering Trang Province. (Ketjangwat Trang)

This is the sign indicating you are entering Satun Province. (Ketjangwat Satun).

This sign says: 'Tam Kao Ting' or Kao Ting Cave. This is a cave on the Trang/Satun border. I couldn't enter the cave as there was no bridge across the river.

I was actually in the Banthat mountains trying to find a Sakai village named Ban Kaonamdao. The Sakai are an ancient nomadic jungle tribe who exist on hunting and gathering. They are distinct from their Thai cousins in both language and appearance. I asked these two lads if they knew where the village was. They helped me find the junction I was looking for.

At the junction I met this family who explained that the village was 8km down a small road. However, after 1km this road becomes an impossible mud slide given the recent rain. I went regardless and quickly returned concurring with their view that my bike had no chance of scrambling along 7km of mud.

Thailand and its micro-climates. Localised rain over the mountains. People in England complain about the rain. After a little research I discovered Newcastle receives 700mm of rain annually. Trang, meanwhile, receives a whopping 2500mm of rain annually. It bloody well feels like it too.

It was a good laugh driving to places where you are a real novelty. I swear some of these people have never seen a white bloke before.

Hat Samran

Little Pat at Hat Samran beach about 60km from Trang. After visiting a small Muslim family running a restaurant I promised them I would come back to see them again with my girlfriend. Here she is enjoying the sea breeze under a small bamboo shelter.

Quotes

A fat cockney sexpat rueing the fully clothed go go dancers in Samui:

"When I first came here it was all nipples"

A real tattoo on a bargirl's left upper arm (my phone/cam battery was dead - shame):

"Fuck me"

A Songkla prostitute:

"I don't do teachers"

Right now in Trang we have the vegetarian festival. I'll endeavour to get some shots of the action and report in due course.

Check Bin Cap

Payayam - Try
Gurt arai - What happened

Motorbikes and razor blades

Drunken bum

Two Wednesdays ago I sat in Russel's garden, with Monkey and Mike until 0630 the next morning. I courageously assisted them in depleting Russel's remaining wine and vodka stocks. I ended up comatose on his sofa and needless to say I never made it to work the next day since my alarm went off 5 minutes after I'd passed out!!! Pat decided that I'm a worthless bum with no self-control. What I regarded as the selfless provision of a helpful service to a friend in need, Pat regarded as profligate! Tsschh......women! She went off to Hat Yai to see some friends. She escaped me and my drunken friends, and simultaneously, punished me in the age-old, tried and tested, female favourite: BAD LAD = NO HUMPTY DUMPTY.

Since that night I haven't been drunk. I've even quit smoking for an impressive 8 days. Time to turn over a new leaf me thinks.

Retirement

Unfortunately I'm a bit too young to retire but these 18 teachers from my school aren't. Last week I went to a retirement do in Trang's poshest hotel. As with most things in Thailand this was highly ceremonial occasion. Here are the retirees receiving best wishes from the 'younger' staff. This process involves the well-wishers dipping their hands into a bowl of water and touching the retirees hands while mumbling a few words of praise. This took quite a while since there are over 100 teachers here!

The food was delicious. Here's Eric, Pat and Ian wiring into some sumptuous Thai fare. To think I nearly went to this party in flip-flops! Thanks Pat for talking me out of that one - it would've been hugely embarrassing.

These are typical Thai desserts. Sickly sweet and mixed with some shaved ice from the bowl in the center. AAAaaaaaah, that's why you see so many toothless adults here.

Traditional dancers were hired to perform for the masses. Look at these outfits man - more gold than Fort Knox.

Here they are demonstrating how to ensure you'll suffer lower back pain for your remaining days. It's a shame these pictures can't convey sound information. Remember those simple telephone systems made with two yogurt cartons and a piece of string? Imagine listening to the music from Magic Roundabout through one of those. That's what you would hear as you looked at these dancers.

Motorbikes

Recession? What recession? I've spent the last few weeks looking at motorbikes. I was considering this Honda Goldwing but at 1,000,000baht (£20,000) I decided something lower key was in order................

And here it is. My new bike. A 3 year old silver Honda Phantom. This Thai-made bike has a 200cc, 4 stroke, single cylinder engine. It's a cruiser - perfect for touring around Thailand in comfort. I've had it three days now and I love it. I've already done 1000km on it making 4500km in total. It cost 57,000baht from an American lad in Nakkon Si Thammarat. It's almost brand-new given that it's hardly been out anywhere. These bikes cost 88,000baht new. The extras: back rest, saddle bags, screen, crash bars and passenger foot panels would add an extra 10-12,000bt. So, I have an almost new, low-mileage bike for just over half of the new price! Not bad.

How to buy a Honda Phantom cruiser:

1. Work for 6 months as a Maths Teacher in Thailand earning 30,000bt/month
2. Save 10,000bt/month for 6 months = 60,000bt.
3. Spend time searching for low mileage good condition bikes.
4. Spot one 2 hours drive away on offer at 60,000bt.
5. Negotiate a 5% (3,000bt) discount.
6. Travel 2 hrs on the back of your mate's uncomfortable sporty CBR 150cc to view.
7. Fall in love with the bike and hand over the 57,000bt immediately.
8. Cruise 2hrs home through the mountains in comfort with a big stupid grin on your face.
9. Buy a new denim jacket and a stupid powder-blue coloured helmet.
10. Indulge yourself by spending an exhilarating weekend riding 1000km through the beautiful Thai countryside in glorious sunshine.

This bike is not really a 'rice-rocket' - more of a pleasure cruiser. Although it does accelerate swiftly enough you'll never beat a Ducati. I've had 135kmh (85mph) out of it which is fast enough for me. What this bike does do is cruise and it does it in luxurious comfort.

I was tempted with a faster, more nimble Honda CBR 150. However after some seating trials I decided on the Phantom. Sitting on a CBR feels like you are trying to make love to an ironing board. Conversely, sitting on a Phantom feels like you are leaning back in a jacuzzi with two beautiful naked woman massaging you everywhere. Who cares if it takes me 10mins longer to get there?

Paul and I went for a pleasure ride the next day and stopped at his mate's place in Wang Wiset for a bite to eat. I went to the toilet via this bedroom where some ornithologist likes to hang his porn from the ceiling!

Here we are outside the restaurant. Notice my formidable leather safety boots. That's one reason I love Thailand. I've just bought a chunky bike and I don't even have a license. Thailand is definitely not a nanny state like the UK. Nobody gives a shit out here - LOVE IT.

Stopping for a pee in a rubber farm. Doesn't my bike look mint?

Ole took it for a spin and offered to buy it there and then for 67,000bt - I said NO WAY.

Here's Ole's white yacht captured nicely beneath this rainbow.

What better way to end an excellent day's cruising than a few beers in a jungle karaoke/whore house? Unbelievably the patrons in this dump wanted more than BKK prices for a beer?? I only had 4 bottles since I had to drive 40km home!

The title of this blog is inspired from my young days as a Royal Navy apprentice. The Petty Officers used to get me (and other Geordies with broad accents) to repeatedly shout 'Motorbikes and razor blades'. They would laugh at the way we pronounced the vowels, particularly the O's and A's before ending our humiliation. Hehe - good days.

Toon

WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE.

Day 1200. Legal ladyboy holidays.

Update

1200 days - wow. One year ago I was crossing from Malaysia into Sungai Kolok in Southern Thailand. I was about to unwittingly spend 6 weeks on Ko Pha Ngan. Two years ago I had just started working as an English teacher in Taipei, the capital city of Taiwan. Three years ago I was chilling in Dali in Yunnan Province, China. Four years ago I was quitting work as an IT Tech at Pfizer to embark on an MSc at Newcastle Uni. Today I am teaching Maths in Trang having done so for the last 6 months.

Legal

Finally, after 5 months of chasing myself up my own arse, I have all the necessary paperwork to work here legally. To say 'obtaining the paperwork has been a smooth ride' would be akin to saying 'referees aren't biased at Old Trafford'.

I went to Kantang immigration twice. The first time they required my original work permit (the school secretary only gave me photocopies). I went back the next day and completed the ordeal. Now, I merely have to report to immigration once every 90 days to prove I'm still alive. My visa expires on 31st March 2010 providing I remain in this job.

How to get legal:

Initial tourist visa: 1100bt
Wasted trip to Malaysia for another tourist visa: 1100 bt (visa) 2900bt (expenses)
Return trip to Bangkok to convert tourist visa to Non-Imm-B: 2000bt (visa) 3000bt (exp)
Work permit: 3100bt
Photos: 200bt
Extend Non-Imm-B until March 2010: 1900bt

Total 15,300bt = 2 weeks salary = £280

Some people are on the pitch, they think it's all over........................I'm just glad it finally is.

Trang Games 09/09/09

Sporting competitors representing the 76 provinces of Thailand descended on Trang for Thailand's very own Olympics. This is a once in a lifetime event for Trang as Thai towns take turns hosting this prestigious event.

Here's Trang's cool sports stadium. I think Trang finished 4th overall which isn't too bad. It came as no surprise that Bangkok won the whole thing. I was happy that my school closed for 2 weeks in order to accommodate the athletes.

Holiday - Samui 3 nights

Since I had been in Trang for a staight 5 months I decided to escape the games and head for some R+R during my 2 week break.

Don Sak pier for the ferry to Ko Samui. My R+R rapidly descended into a Grade-A piss up as I hooked up with some lads who are friendly with my Trang mates. The first thing that struck me here was the amount of Falangs (Europeans) around. Very strange to see so many after so long in Trang. The second thing was the price of booze in the bars - needless to say things are a lot pricier here than in Trang. I wish I had taken more pics.

This scary ladyboy took me to one of Samui's coolest discos before I drank myself stupid until 0930 in some Cockney bloke's bar. The next day I walked past his bar and he was smiling at me. I asked if he knew me and he was laughing that I'd forgot drinking in his bar for 7hrs the night before!!

I indulged in a lot of Falang food here since it's pretty much unavailable in Trang. Here's pissed Steve devouring a slice of contraband cheddar in Flintstones bar near Chaweng beach.

I'm pleased my Samui trip didn't involve copious amounts of narcotics like last year.

Holiday - Ko Pha Ngan 5 nights

I escaped Samui by taking a ferry to Thong Sala on Ko Pha Ngan. I spent 5 nights in this basic hut. I caught up with many old friends from last year and had a good time although I was starting to miss home (Trang) and particularly Pat, my little lass, who couldn't come because of work.

This 22yr old lad is from Carlisle. What's so special about that? Well, this fella blew 1Million baht in 6 months! He now has no passport, no visa and no money. An old woman running a bar houses him and feeds him in return for a little work in her bar. You meet some crazy people in these parts.

I circumnavigated the island by scooter and came upon Had Rin again - the site of the infamous Full Moon Party. I was greatful it was daytime and the idiotic hordes had yet to emerge from their pits. I like this pic of all the stalls that sell 'buckets' later in the evening. The names of the stalls are very elegant as you may be able to read.

A view North up Had Rin from the bucket stalls. This would be a great place if there were about 10,000 less people.

An Irish girl (who sounded Geordie) took this pic of me next to this wonderfully named retail outlet. I would love to ask Juliet, in a Shakespearean manner, if I could indeed 'Fuck her bucket'?

Treasures on your doorstep

I was pleased to board a ferry to Don Sak, a minivan to Nakkon Si Tammarat followed by a final minivan to Trang. I travelled the last leg with a bus load of giggling Muslim schoolgirls. They are from Trang but go to a boarding school in Nakkon. I headed to my local bar and was shortly joined by Pat. It felt very nice to be back home again.

As I was aimlessly riding my scooter I stumbled upon this small-known park. I proceeded to spend a couple of hours walking through jungle canopies and swamps. It was an amazing discovery.

Here's a sign explaining the intricacies of a forest. It's helpful to know some Thai here.

This was the highlight - a 18m canopy walkway. It was awesome walking so high up through the dense vegetation. I'm scared of heights so I was little jittery up here. It's a long way down from the swaying walkways. The Thai sign says: "Antarai - ham ping" OR "Danger - don't lean". There you go - some more useless Thai shite for ya!

I enjoyed the trail through the swampy sections of jungle too. Hard to believe all this is only 8km from Trang town.

On the way home I stopped to buy some insects and chillis at the local market. These particular insects are used to scare the rats away.

Khao Lak

Pat fancied driving her car so we headed up to Khao Lak via Phang Nga. Khao Lak is about 4-5hrs away by car and Pat drove the whole thing herself. She wanted some practice at long distance driving. After a night in Phang Nga we stopped here the next day for a photo shoot. We wanted to eat here but after buying cars and ridiculous island holidays we felt this place is temporarily a little out of our league.

A nice view along the Khao Lak coast.

As we soon learnt, Khao Lak was devestated by the boxing day Tsunami in 2004. This ship was plonked about 2km inland from the sea! It's left here as a reminder.

There is also a Tsunami memorial monument here. Stupidly, Pat and I thought it was this plastic swan thing - DOH!

After a little search we found it further around the corner.

We also found this 'Big nose beer gut' thing nearby.

Here's one of your typical restaurant on a motorbike setup. She can BBQ chicken liver on here for you - AROY MAC.

This is a pic I've been after for a while. This is how you make Som Tam, a product that the West is only just beginning to appreciate. I believe the thermodynamic properties of Som Tam will provide us with the next carbonless energy source. If spice-o-meters exist, and if they sound like Geigercounters, I speculate that if you put one near a dish of Som Tam the thing would sound like a cat going through a mangle. This stuff is INSANE.

This is our pool near the sea - only joking. We were 5km away from the sea in a chicken shed. Still, nice though eh?

Driving back through Phang Nga. James Bond Island is in the bay nearby but we contented ourselves with a trip to Tesco in Krabi so I could get some new shoes. Bizarrely, something ate my work shoes while I was away - we have no idea what!

This is a dashing pink Trang - Phuket bus passing through Ao Luek just south of Krabi.

Little Pat enjoying the buzz in Big C - Krabi's own department store type thing. Krabi has a lot more stuff than Trang. Krabi even has a 'multiplex' but, disappointingly, it had no English movies on any of its 5 screens.

Here's a reminder of the Chinese influence in Thailand. The last time I saw something like this was Sept 2006 in Dali, Kunming Province, China.

How many people can you fit in the back of a pick up? Millions in Thailand.

Toon

First defeat of the season away to mighty Blackpool.

Day 1175. Surat Thani.

Recession? What recession?

It must be the season to throw economic caution to the wind. In the midst of the deepest recession in living memory, the people I know are splashing out on major purchases. Perhaps a form of financial schizophrenia has enveloped the fine people of Thailand. Pat recently bought a car, but Russel trumped her by procuring a brand-spanking Honda Civic for a cool one million baht. We took him to the immaculate Honda showroom to collect his new toy last Saturday. As we waited, we were treated to free coffee and cakes while prospective buyers wandered around gawping at the shiny Japanese technology on offer.

However, this new car IS something else. It has all the pre-requisite gadgets one would expect from a modern Japanese auto-mobile. There's a dashboard computer that a NASA space shuttle would be proud of. It does everything except turn the steering wheel!

We headed back to Russel's place opposite the airport. We drank a few beers whilst admiring the new and comparing it with the old. I really like his house above.

Trang airport from Russel's house. With the exception of Heathrow, this this is the World's busiest airport. I have yet to see a plane land here!

Surat Thani

On Wednesday 26th August our school went to Surat Thani (ST) to compete in the "Southern Thailand English Program (EP) Open House Competition". Schools from as far North as Chumpon and as far South as Yala descended on ST to partcipate in all manner of English-speaking contests. I enjoyed the three days here very much.

Our first job was to set up a stall to showcase our school. It was here that I read an EP magazine only to discover none of our students regard me as their favourite teacher! I take solace in that perhaps maths isn't the best teaching medium in order to ingratiate oneself with one's students. I'm still thinking of ways to make "Graphing quadratic functions" a fun activity. If anyone has any ideas be sure to drop me any hints.

ST afforded me the opportunity to meet similarly aged teachers from elsewhere in Thailand. This is Rik from Edinburgh and Joe from the USA. They both work in Krabi and I first met them at the Thai culture course in Nakhon Si Tammarat. Great lads. Note our shirts. Each school likes you to wear a loud, locally designed, Hawaii style shirt. Rik obviously couldn't be arsed. Scrawled across the back of mine is "English paradise of the south" which I think is very profound given the cheesyness!

Two little pixies performing in the drama contest. Some of the plays were fantastic with some great displays of imagination. Admittedly, on balance, some were shite too.

The opening ceremony was amazing. I couldn't imagine anything like this in the UK. Lively, vibrant, enthused performances ensured the packed crowed cheered wildly. Remember, this is all done by schoolkids! However, the routine above had me wondering if I was in a Bangkok go-go bar or a school. These sexy young lasses had very skimpy skirts and make-up that looked like it had been applied randomly by catapults.

This was better. More sedate traditional dancing. I think the girls on stage were expecting some rain.

I thought it ironic that these girls held a Thai sign to welcome the start of an English competition - hehe.

These lasses were like Thailand's female answer to Eminem. Even at the ancient age of 35 I thought they were pretty cool.

Another gogo-esque coyote sexy dance routine. I was reminded of 'Grease'.

The crowd lapped it up.

After judging a 'News Report' contest, I went for a walk and couldn't resist a shot of these little girls. They are from my friend's primary school in Trang. It was simultaneously both cute and hilarious. They were dancing to a totally inappropriate modern dance tune containing lewd lyrics. However, their dance involved washing hands to avoid contracting H1N1 - Brilliant.

Here's our three participants in the semi final of the debate comp. Unfortunately, they lost but they had a tough motion to oppose: Homework is good. They had to argue 'homework is bad' which is very difficult to do. Unlucky kids. I sat there pondering the possibility of a 'Mass Debater' position within the team.

These people are the best EP teachers in the South of Thailand.

This panel of judges were very tough which didn't bode well for my school. We came last in a whole litany of contests but we did win the scrabble - WAHEY. However, scrabble involves no speaking, a skill in which our kids are sadly lacking. This is highlighted by our poor performance at ST. I hope we have more success next year although I'm confident we'll bag scrabble again since little 'O' can beat his Farang teachers - hehe.

Oh yeah, our posh Hotel: The Siam Thani was amazing. There was even a bathtub and how water. I lazed in a hot bath for one hour reflecting that the last time I did this was in October 2007, almost 2 years ago in Southern Taiwan. Nice.

Toon

What's going on? Winning in London? How can that be? Four games and ten points? The Toon are a bit like Russia: a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma!

Haway the lads.

Gin rue yang mai? Yang = Have you eaten yet? No, not yet.

Day 1165. Legal? Almost.

Update

Three years ago I woke at 0330 to watch the sunrise from the peak of Brightness Top in the HuangShan mountains, Anhui Province, China. I remember the spectacular scenery despite being accompanied by thousands of 'loud' Chinese tourists. Two years ago I was decked out in traditional Balinese attire to attend a typical Hindu wedding in Denpasar, Bali, before heading to Padang Bai beach for a spot of BBQ'd grupa and snorkelling - class! One year ago had just met Armin in Malaysia's cool Cameron Highlands. I enjoyed the trekking and relaxation in these naturally air-conditioned lofty surroundings. Today I am sitting on the outskirts of Trang Town typing this in 'wor lasses hoose'.

Locked Out

After my hospital experience last month I needed a drink the following weekend. I did an exceptional job of achieving inebriation and managed to end up locked out of my house. I slept outside for a while before Pat rescued me.

Krabi

The next day we boarded our motorbike, with hangovers, and headed 3hrs North to Krabi for a night. We found cheap digs in the middle of backpackersville on the riverside in the main town. We decided to spend the evening in Ao Nang as we figured it would be livelier. We found ourselves in a small strip of girly bars which I quite enjoyed but Pat found boring. We went to another beachside bar where we payed the most I've ever been charged for a beer in Thailand - 100bt small bottle!

Offsetting this is Krabi's beauty. Clear blue seas and limestone karst structures jutting up spectacularly everywhere and anywhere - wonderful.

I met one of the lads from the Thai culture course in Ao Nang who teaches in a Krabi school. We arranged to meet up for a beer in Surat Thani when we go to the 'Southern English Program English Competition' next week.

On the way back 'home' to Trang we decided we would take a detour and visit the 'Emerald Lake' national park. It's a beautiful green pool situated in unspoilt jungle where you can join the crowds for a relaxing dip. However, be warned, if you happen to be white you'll pay x10 the local price. This left a bitter taste in my mouth as I paid 200bt and my girlfriend (who earns the same as me) paid 20bt. I paid x10 more than the posh folk driving brand new Mercs and BMWs even though I arrived, dressed like a tramp, on a shagged out scooter!!!!! As a relatively low-paid teacher you are expected to pay ten times more than Thai professionals. At no point was I asked for anything to prove my 'foreignness' - it was a racially-based decision. I'd be interested to see how much my Pilipino colleagues would be charged? Perhaps Britain could operate a similar government-backed policy by charging non-whites 10 times more for museums etc???? I think this notion would be rejected on the grounds of being racist/unfair would it not? Shame on the Thai government - I work here and I'm not on some 2 week mega-bucks holiday.

Never mind. I'll vote with my feet and not be going to a National Park again - on principle.

Palien again

The next weekend we went to Palien to eat Som Tam and capture this glorious Andaman sunset - wow! I noticed my school bus turn up at one point and some staff came over to say hello. They were there to supervise some kids on a camping trip somewhere nearby.

As we headed home we passed a big party. We really wanted one of these beer dispensers on our table but I had to drive the scooter about 50km home in the dark with insects flying in my eyes and I figured doing it sober would be the wise thing. I watched enviously as groups of Thais drank ice cold beer form these things.

I tried to get some pics of these kids entertaining the crowd with traditional Thai dancing. It looked great, especially when they did their co-ordinated umbrella routine.

I love this shot. Look how impeccably dressed this stunning little girl is. The make-up alone must've taken hours. Amazing!

Free beer

I've had some disastrous news. Russel is selling his bar - my local! What will I do now? Where will I go? I'll miss him and his wife, Took, very much. However, to mitigate the loss Russel laid on a night of free beer - Wahey! It was a Tuesday night but what the hell - how often does this happen in your life? I had the Mother of headaches the next day and my mood was no match for classes of Thai adolescents - but it was worth it. Good luck to Russel and Took in their future endeavours!

New stuff

Pat likes to watch DVDs and has been using her laptop for ages. She already has a TV so I decided to go to Tesco and buy a DVD player. We picked one up for 600bt (£12) - not bad. It even plays USB-based media which is handy for my latest passion: listening to 30minute MP3 Physics lectures - geek! I now have an excellent grasp of Special and General relativity, and a pretty good insight into Quantum Mechanics and the curiosities therein. I have absorbed 11hrs of audio Physics university lectures which sounds awful but I've thoroughly enjoyed it - although I admit sex is still better!

I've also watched movies such as: The Italian Job, Fight Club, Robinson Crusoe and Lord of War among others. It's great here as you can buy DVDs for 50-100bt.

One of the downsides to this was that Pat got very pissed off one night when she somehow managed to lock herself in the toilet. I tried to do something from the other side but other than forcing the door down there wasn't a lot I could do as she continued to fiddle with the handle from her side. I knew she could climb out if need be and kinda left her to it. When she emerged a few minutes later to see me watching a DVD she was far from happy........mmmmmmm - I'm sure there's a lesson there for me somewhere.

New car!

Ian (the other maths teacher) went to a seminar in Bangkok a couple of weeks ago so I covered a couple of his classes. After enjoying a class revising: 'The area between two parabolic curves using integration', I received a call from Pat to meet her at a nearby temple. I rushed out to find her sitting on a wall. I asked where the scooter was and she motioned around the corner. We walked around and Pat stopped at a car as I continued looking for our scooter. As I looked back Pat was opening the car door with what I thought was the scooter key. She was wearing the biggest of beaming smiles and it was then that the penny dropped.

"No way! You're not telling me this is your car?"

"You like it?"

"It's mint! - good for you honey"

And here it is below, the 99,000bt, 10year old, silver Suzuki:

Pat's first car! Her excitement was great to see. She decided to drive it 50km to Ole's house in Hat Yao on the weekend. She fawned over her new toy with relish as Ole and I downed a few beers in his new house:

Back in Trang, since Russel's has closed we went to a new restaurant where I proceeded to lose my Thai ATM card - bollicks! I have replaced it now and no money was missing - BONUS! That, by the way, is the first ATM card I have ever lost! I suspect, in all probability, that I drunkenly left it in an ATM machine after taking my money - DUH!

Queen's birthday

Wednesday 12th August was the Queen of Thailand's birthday. This special day doubles as Mother's day and warrants a day off work - YES! I took time out to think about my own Mother who tragically died last November.

Pat took the opportunity to take a bus (why not car????) to Bangkok to see her own Mother for 'Wan-Mare' (Mother's day). I headed down to Seabreeze restaurant near the train station for a meal where I met Yochan (below) drinking Chang beer from a tea cup (it's illegal to sell beer on the Queen's birthday so you have to cunningly disguise it). I was happy to drink genuine tea from a tea cup as we compared many travel tales on my welcome day off.

Yochan posing at the temple on the top of Trang hill with the town in the background.

A little after sunset we watched some great fireworks although they were no match for the Chinese New Year fireworks in Taiwan. Then again, there's not much in the whole World that could match that!

A view of the temple interior. It looks like some kind of modern minimalist arty thing. The central column supports a towering golden statue that watches over Trang town.

We spent the evening touring a fun fair then continuing our chat at Yochan's place in the deep countryside about 8km from Trang. He lives in a nice house with a huge orchid outside. There were many tropical fruits on offer. It was a little scary following him out here in the quiet pitch black. A chilling thought crossed my mind: "I hardly know this bloke. Is he a psycho taking me out here, in the middle of nowhere, to commit murder?" Still sends shivers down my spine - hehe.

Last weekend, another motorbike crash

Last weekend I went to the old woman's place who cooks my food most nights. I had a few beers with her and her friends before the inevitable Karaoke TV came out (with no English songs).

This little lass (next door shop owner's daughter) tried to get her hedgehog to join the fun.

The woman's son (forgot their names) makes Thai puppets and entertained us with a show. Ole turned up and I left these guys to meet my Norwegian mate at the train station. We shared a few welcoming beers before heading to Maricel's house to join her, and all her Filipino friends, for a birthday party.

However, on the way there I experienced my 3rd motorbike accident in Thailand. With Ole riding pillion, a car decided to nudge into us, almost knocking us off the bike entirely. Somehow, I managed to maintain control and suffered only friction burns above my right elbow. I have lost a lot of skin and will probably have another scar (Thai tattoo) as a souvenir. The pain is bad but should pass within a few days. Like a wimp, I cried out as Pat dabbed isopropyl alcohol on it in an effort to clean it. Still smarts somewhat.

Needless to say the car drove off without a second thought for the carnage they may have left behind. I thank my lucky stars we didn't fall off as the traffic behind us would have had no time to react and our life capacities would probably have been terminated.

The party was great. One guy even did a fire show - just like at the Ko Pha Ngan full moon party. It was great to spend time with Ole in town since I've only ever seen him in the sticks. Not that Trang is anything like Bangkok mind you.

Work

On Monday I finally collected my work permit - after being here 5 months! I am now technically 'legal' although I have one more bureaucratic loop to jump through: extending my non-imm-b visa until the end of the contract. This is a relatively easy task merely involving a 25km scooter trip to Kantang Immigration Office. I phoned them today to query the paperwork required. After finding an English speaking official I was told:

"Ooooohhhh, many many paper - talk school"

This is all very well but it's already taken the responsible person in my school 5 months to get this far - which is ridiculous. I've kinda lost any remaining shreds of confidence in my school's ability to organise anything. The incompetence is legendary. The person in question was appointed through nepotism as a relative of the boss and they're clearly out of their depth - great. Maybe I'll get the extension next week although I won't be holding my breath.

On the bright side I was reimbursed the 5000bt for my visa and work permit this week - YES! I took Pat out for a slap up posh meal as a treat.

Here are some kids practising dance moves in the yard. After 5 months teaching here in Thailand I feel compelled to comment on some observations thus far:

1. Thai kids can be unbelievably lazy. And I mean unbelievably. I've never seen anything like it in my life.
2. An innate inability to think for themselves. Confronted with a question the first response is to turn to a friend for the answer.
3. Lack of imagination. When asked to come up with something 'abstract' or 'outside the box' you can see the horror on the faces.
4. Copying. Even in cases when it is easier to not copy, Thai kids will follow their natural instincts and copy anyway. I don't bother with homework now. If it does actually get done, it's all copied and a complete waste of time to mark.
5. Inability to listen due to constant talking in class.

However, I'd like to point out that some students are excellent. The kids in the upper sets of the Thai program are superb. Motivated, hard working and attentive. They had to pass entrance tests to get into their program. The English Program (EP), on the other hand, will accept ANYBODY provided they have the cash. Presumably, a number of our EP kids failed the aforementioned entrance tests and as a last resort (for gaining access to this reputable school) the parents stumped up the cash for the more expensive EP. So, I could infer, many of our students are clearly of low ability but have the luxury of rich parents. Basically spoilt little lazy shits.

Underpinning this point, EP kids get taught in English all day everyday. Thai program kids get English 2hrs/week. Who do you think is better? In many cases there's not a lot between them. A few kids, after 2.5 years on the EP can barely string a coherent sentence together. I know this is not wholly down to the teachers as my colleagues are a conscientious bunch who apply themselves admirably. I feel the kids themselves should bear a greater portion of the blame for their woeful performance and progression.

There are many problems with the Thai education system as a whole. I am not claiming that I'm a great teacher. I'm not even experienced but I have my views and the most worrying aspect of the system here is the: "The kids aren't allowed to fail" syndrome. I'm not allowed to fail a kid - even if he continually gets 0% after being given the answers (which I have to do to ensure pass rates - after all this whole education thing is a business).

If you can't fail where is the motivation to succeed? - Big problem here.

If I'd have known that I would've passed everything at school with no effort, I would've been lazy too. I would've talked in class. In fact I would've behaved exactly as these Thai kids behave.

However, some of the EP kids are superb. Some of these traits could be perceived negatively from a Western viewpoint. However, it is these traits that have coalesced over eons to form the culture we now know and love. These traits are a nightmare in a school environment where 'fun' is the key thing and 'learning' takes a back seat (to Westerners' disbelief), but in Thai culture they have created a fun loving, warm and friendly people with whom it is a joy to live.

Toon

A new dawn in a new league and not a bad start. 1 - 1 away to WBA and a 3-0 win at home to Reading. Kick off at home to Sheff Wed in T-minus 3 hrs - although I'll be tucked up in bed. I just wish that cockney idiot owner would leave.

Haway the lads

Slumdog Gambler

Update

Three years ago I was drinking 'airag' (fermented alcoholic horse milk) in a Mongolian Ger camp. I had just crossed the vast expanse of Russian Siberia. I was looking forward to travelling through the Gobi desert, past the Great Wall of China and onto Beijing. Two years ago I was returning to Bangkok after an incredible 28 days in Burma. I was excited about crossing the equator and hitting Indonesia and the southern hemisphere. Last year I was living in the Philippines with no running water. This year I am invigilating and marking exams in southern Thailand.

July 2006. Posing with London Lawyer Tom in some Siberian city (Ekanterinburg I think). Note the bland communist style buildings. Note my stupid long hair - it never got chopped until November in Chengdu, China.

After the excesses of the Thai culture course I decided to have a quiet one last weekend. We watched Slumdog Millionaire on DVD which turned out to be a brilliant movie. We also headed out to Hat Yao to see Ole again.

Trang

A few random shots of Trang:

I still love the palm trees and the lamposts topped with golden dancers. Everything feels exotically tropical here - even after 4 months!

I think this is Trang's main landmark: The clock tower. Not too far from my school, Russel's bar or the nightmarket.

Turn right for Phattalung, left for Sikao or straight on for Krabi. Be warned, you could be waiting at the lights for a while. Like in China, most traffic lights have timers indicating how long they'll be red or green for. Some lights are red for 120secs which is a right twat if you're in a rush (like I seem to be most mornings).

Cold and Rain

It appears to be the rainy season now - officially. Whoever comes up with these rainy/dry season demarcations can't be all there. I'd call the seasons 'wet' and 'slightly less wet'. I arrived 4 months ago in the 'hot/dry' season and it rained a lot. Now, it's torrential - constantly. I yearn for some blue sky.

Typically, when I'm at work the weather tends to be fine. However, come the weekend..........yep it lashes down inhibiting any exploratory activities. During the downpours the temperature can plummet. I noticed the mercury slide as low as 25C the other day. You may laugh but it does feel cold once you're used to living here - especially on a motorbike. You have to wear a ridiculous bin-liner style plastic overall thing that flaps around annoyingly.

Here's a colourful Mosque beneath a threatening sky. The flashes of lightning followed by the roars of thunder are truly spectacular. This was on the way to Had Yao last weekend. Once you leave main towns in southern Thailand, you'll notice a large proportion of the rural population are Muslim. There are always bombings and murders in Southern Thailand that probably don't make World news. The Thai army maintain a huge presence and the recent escalation in attacks is a worry. Teachers are increasingly selected as easy targets for attacks - this concern is never far from my thoughts as I explore the countryside here. However, the bulk of the trouble is in the three 'far' southern provinces and, as far as I'm aware, Trang province has experienced no problems - fingers crossed.

This is a common site here in Thailand - a couple of hemletless six year olds piloting a scooter. I'm surprised there are only two of them since families of five often squeeze themselves onto a single scooter (with shopping). I saw a scooter carrying 12 big bamboo chairs the other day in Trang - ridiculous considering a small flatbed would've been more suitable! However, my favourite scooter innovation are the scooter/restaurant assemblies. You basically have a kitchen welded to the side of a small motorbike. They typically sell SomTam which is sooo spicy it can double as petrol when oil prices surge!

Here's Ole rescuing our scooter during another downpour. Shortly after this his living room flooded! It's difficult to give an idea of the rain here. I know it rains a lot in Blighty but nothing like this. This is SERIOUS rain which commonly results in flooding. It feels like you get one month's worth of UK rain in 5 minutes here!

Trying to give an impression of a storm but photos never do them justice. At least you wouldn't need to flush Ole's toilet.

More of the same in a small market in Trang.

During a recent deluge that left me stranded I snapped a pic of this furniture store. Plastic things are big in Asia. Look at all these chairs, basins, shovels etc.

Food

These places are mint. The 99baht (£1.80) eat all you can buffets. You can have salmon, steak, chicken...........everything. I love it. You have to cook this stuff yourself which kind of defeats the point of going to a restaurant in the first place????

Chef Steve assisting Pat. We are attempting to make Kheo Geng Wan (Thai green curry). My job was to chop the pork but I arsed it up by not chopping the peices small enough. Nevermind, Pat finished it and it was delicious - much better than her 'SpagBol' falang food attempt!

Petrol

This, my friends, is a petrol station.

Mangrovey, jungly, swampy

I fancied a walk through this mangrove swamp but had second thoughts on seeing the dilapidated bridge.

This is near Yong Satar (which is near Palien for the geographically impaired - which itself is 45km south of Trang for the even more geographically impaired).

Palien sunset

Look at that orb of orange light just hanging in the sky. An Andaman sunset - nice eh?

Watching a traditional longtail fishing boat enjoying the last few rays of sunlight. Not bad pics for a 2MP phone camera.

Hospital

I went to Trang's government hospital today to witness this chaotic scene of swine flu paranoia. I pulled a muscle in my side but I was worried that it was something much worse since the pain prevented me sleeping last night. After a 2hr wait the doctor told me I had nothing to worry about - phew. I was thinking my appendix/liver/kidney was needing replaced - hehe.

Pat came with me. Like everyone else on Earth she's gone flu crazy. Look at the fear in those gorgeous eyes.

I think this is Trang's biggest building. It pissed down a minute later!

Bollicks

The amount of adverts for whitening products here is unreal. On TV shows you rarely see brown skinned folk (who, IMO, are more beautiful). The whole country, like Michael Jackson, is going 'I must be white' bananas. The sooner this nonsense stops the better.

I played poker again last weekend. This time I WON. Yeah baby! 300bt to enter and I left 300bt UP! I even rang the bell in Russel's bar (after checking it was quiet enough - hehe).

I've been farting about with bank stuff again - total nigtmare. Especially on the eve of an eclipse in India and China.

NUFC can't find a buyer,

"That's one small problem for man, one giant problem for mankind"

Now why would that quote come into my mind today?

Laughs



Pob Gan Mai - Seeya

Culture, Cars, Beaches & Waterfalls.

Thai Culture Course

I've just had one of the most tedious weekends of my life in Nakhon Si Thammarat. I did some inane, mind numbing stuff as a Royal Navy Submariner but nothing compares to this:

Officially it's the "Thai language, culture and professional code of ethics course for Non-Thai Teachers". Unofficially it's the biggest steaming load of bollicks I will probably ever have to endure. To say it was a touch boring would be like saying 'That Ronaldo bloke cost a few bob'.

Coincidentally, as if having to go wasn't painful enough, this three day course ended up ruining a five day long weekend - the only break I get all term. The course itself sounds like a good idea - to improve the awareness of foreign teachers working in Thailand. However, the reality is that the course felt like nothing more than a nice little money spinner for the Teachers Council of Thailand. I didn't learn a single thing even after only been here 3 months. I would go so far as to say that you could read a Lonely Planet and glean as much information.

Anyhow, I have suffered the torture (although not as much as most folk since I accidentally 'missed' a fair chunk of it - much to the others' envy). I now have all the ticks in the boxes to proceed and obtain a work permit OR renew my Non-Imm-B next year (if I decide to stay) but to be honest I'm not really sure which bureaucratic hoop this course was designed for me to jump through. However, this is normal here where rumours run amok and heresay is King.

Ironically, this is former PM Thaksin delivering an interesting speech on the 'professional code of ethics' element of the course (just kidding).

Look at these riveted participants. They were literally riveted to their seats to prevent a mass escape attempt. The bloke standing against the wall turning his head to his right lived in Pegswood in the '80's!! The Rylands estate no less!! F*cking small World eh?

These three guapa Filipinas behind me made the whole experience more tolerable, if not a touch uncomfortable given the 'activities downstairs'. On the plus side to this course, I had a nice Hotel room and drank an amazing amount of beer. Paradoxically, I experienced more Thai culture boozing with the locals than the course could ever offer.

Car

Pat has it in her head that she needs a car. I pointed out that she can't even drive yet. However, her excitement is contageous and I went with her to spend a day looking at prospective candidates. I've promised to teach her how to drive in exchange for.....................I'm sure I'll think of something! I want to point out that second hand cars are worth a fortune here in Thailand. I couldn't believe the asking prices and thought Pat was winding me up. For example a 20 year old shagged-out Toyota can easily go for around £1500 or 80,000THB. It would fetch around £100 back home!!

This was the first one. The newest and, accordingly, the priciest. I've tried to talk her out of this one as it would involve trips to those bastards we call bankers.

Look at her face - hehe. Note that she doesn't have her feet on the pedals since she isn't sure what they do yet!

Here she is discussing the finer points with the owner.

Onto the next one in 'Ban forgot the name'. This 1993 Toyota is going for around 160,000THB but Pat (being a lass) doesn't like the colour. Too right pet.

I was more impressed with the animals in the garden. Can you see the elephant, zebra and giraffe? Looks like Jumanji in there. This is quite a popular thing in Trang - a plastic zoo in your garden.

This was the 3rd rust bucket in Huai Yot. It's the eldest of the four motors and therefore the cheapest. We didn't like this one!

She liked the last one the best. It remains to be seen whether or not she'll become one of the World's 600million plus car owners.

I had to test drive these cars for her. You need eyes in the back of your head on these roads!

Beach

After all the car hunting we headed to Hat Hua Hin near Sikao. I spotted (well, you couldn't really miss them) these huge curiously shaped mountains. The little house in the foreground contained an old Muslim lass not selling beer.

At the beach with some interesting islands jutting out of the brine. I decided to wear my lucky Buddha charm this day.


I view through the Causarina trees.

Steve getting arty with his phone camera again.

Like these boats, I took a wrong turn and ended up at this 'dead' end. We found our way Sikao, which for some reason I thought would be a lot bigger than it is.

Waterfall

You have to rub your head after wearing an old minging helmet for a while. What better place to do it than AngTongNamDoc between Sikao and Trang.

Trying to do a joint pic as sunset nears. We then headed to a market where I purchased a phenomenal amount of rambutan for 13 baht:

To me they still look like hairy bollicks!

We then had a cup of coco at this coffee house cum hair salon on the Northern edge of Trang. Another nice end to an amazing day in amazing Thailand.

CV

Some guy applied for a job as an English teacher here. Nothing unusual about that right? However, I bet you've never read a CV like this before. Under hobbies he claims (rather modestly) to be a literary genius. He writes in the third person. He claims to have written a novel which is like a good vintage wine - it should be sipped slowly and relished for the bouquet of the wonderful prose. To be suitable for mass publishing the novel would have to be edited to death and no one would be capable of such an editing feat except the man himself.

This is all in the most modest CV I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. One point though. Aren't you a little over qualified to be teaching retarded English in a Thai government school?

Have to go. I'm rushing off to eat something spicy.

Mai som jai - I don't care
Mai nea jai - Not sure.

Day 1114. Phuket and visas.

Another fortnight and another string of adventures. Last weekend I took part in a treasure hunt. Kids from all over Trang Province walked around the town's Hotels, bakeries etc ordering stuff in English - affording them a chance to use the English language in a 'real world' environment. It was great fun although I got a little bored hearing 'Can I have a room for 2 nights?' about 200 times in broken English! I got paid 1400baht for my time - bonus! I met a Dutch backpacker who helped me a little during the day. It gave him the chance to see Thailand from a different perspective. I think he enjoyed himself as we downed a few beers in Russel's later that night.

Last week I had Thursday and Friday off work in order to secure a Non-Immigrant-B visa and a temporary teaching licence. Chasing paper in Thailand is a bit of a chicken and egg affair. Nobody really knows what's required in what order. I needed one final piece of paper to go along with my 36 photographs and I was all set. However, everything here reminds me of www.lastminute.com. Planning is not one of the Thai people's strong points. I received the final signature about 2 hours before my train left for Bangkok!

So, Wednesday night I boarded a Bangkok bound sleeper train. It left at 1720 and arrived the next morning at 0900. I alighted the train and headed for the immigration office. I had to do this immeadiately since I was required to have 21 days remaining on my tourist visa in order to be permitted to change it into a non-immigrant one. This is just one example of the bewildering, confusing, bamboozling, perplexing bureaucratic nonsense one has to deal with here.

I was sent to the wrong room for 1hour where a helpful lady pointed me in the right direction which happened to be 3 floors above all the tourist mayhem. Nevermind, the lass in the right office went beyond the call of duty and I had my passport back in record time (about 15mins). I then headed to the Ministry of Education to acquire a 'temporary teaching licence' valid for 2 years - apparantly? I think this is a pre-requisite for obtaining a 'work permit' - like everyone else here I'm not too sure. This is my next bureaucratic mission. For some reason passport sized photos aren't good enough for the jokers at the Labour Dept, so I need three huge 5cm x 6cm photos! Why three? I have no idea. Why so big? I have no idea.

What all this means (I think) is that I will finally be legal after almost 4 months of paper chasing mayhem. Russel owes me a pint because he reckoned I was destined to fail in my paper chasing quest. He couldn't believe I did it so quickly!

The visa and licence were all sorted bt 1330 so I took some local buses to the Southern bus station where I bought a ticket to meet Armin in Phuket for the weekend.

I had my haircut and ate while waiting for the 1630 Phuket bus. I then spent 12hrs bored out of my napper on the long slog down Thailand from Bangkok to Phuket. I arrived at 0430 Friday morning pleased that I was in Phuket when all my colleagues were hard at work. Phuket is bloody expensive by Thai standards and the motobikes and tuktuks are no exception. These jokers ask 300baht from Phuket Town to Patong beach. That is ridiculous for a 12kn journey. I decided to wait on the 25baht Songtiew instead.

I met Armin on the excellently named 'Rat U Tit' road. He helped me find digs for Friday and Saturday at 300 baht/night.

Patong beach. The over-priced tourist trap hell hole. I have vowed to NEVER go there again. The Thai concept of Jaidee (good heart) died here a loooong time ago.

Having a laugh with Armin, my bestest buddy, after not seeing him since January.

Drinking with some Thai lads on Friday night.
In one of the bars. There was a flotilla of Septics here resulting in a mob of Uncle Sam's finest talking in ridiculously loud voices. Here's one of 'em knocking nails into a tree trunk. Every bar has stupid things like this in Patong - I was amazed they weren't charging per nail.

Michael Jackson may have gone but these boys were maintaining the USA's choreographical prowess.

They're not all loud, uncultured, thick yobbos. This Doodle Dandy is showing his class with a NUFC top. Thankfully it is the home one and not that abortion that is the new away one!! WTF??

This Filipino band invited me up to sing RHINESTONE COWBOY. I got one hell of a round of applause when it finished. Or maybe it was because South Africa scored a try on the screen behind me??
I boarded the 5 hr bus from Phuket to Trang with a blinding hangover. I went to work today where I gave these little fellas a Maths test. You wouldn't believe some of the things I could tell you about teaching here but I'll save them for another time.

Day 1100. Phattalung.

I met Tom on Friday night after rushing to finish the last post. I then proceeded to get suitably inebriated. I even got on stage and tried to sing a Thai song as part of Joe's band. Joe was playing his guitar behind his head - he's quite a skilled musician old Joe considering the amount of Hong Thong running through his veins.

On Saturday I finally rose at 1500hrs with a head like Birkenhead and decided enough was enough. I needed a break. I decided to tag along with Pat to her friend's party in Mae Krii near Hat Yai. Noi was going to be ordained as a monk the following morning so I figured I wouldn't be in much danger. Here's Noi, Pat and Yaa at the party deep in Thailand's 'Ban Nok' countryside.

On the way there we ran out of petrol again because of the broken fuel gauge. We also noticed the rear light wasn't working which adds an unecessary degree of danger to driving at night on Thailand's notoriously dodgy roads. Driving standards are already lax here (you wouldn't believe some of the crazy things you see) but compounding this is the fact that a good portion of people are driving pissed.

I recently read that around 70 people die everyday on the roads here. It's probably better to be conspicuous so I drove with the indicator blinking for the whole 2hr journey. I repaired these defects today. It's wonderful to know how much fuel you have in the tank. Additionally, it's comforting to know that people can see you as they drunkenly approach you from behind.

As we got within 20km of Noi's house we could feel the ground shaking. As we reached the 10km marker our ears started to bleed. As we arrived at his house we thought we were in the twilight zone. The Thais, like the Chinese, feel naked without noise. They can't have a party without the obligatory truck load of speakers producing more noise than twenty A380's circling your head (or 3000 pnuematic drills pounding into your skull). I am convinced this is the only man-made noise that can be heard from the moon.

My fragile head was no match for this tsunami of propogational waves. Whenever there was a lull in music the void was thoughtfully filled by some old Thai bloke rabbiting on about shite for up to 10minutes at a time. He could be heard in Bangkok! Needless to say we didn't hang around long. Some other friends of Pat's invited us to stay in their spare room in Phattalung. We followed their jeep 40km North to their house.

I reckon 70% of Thai people like LFC. Here's Vishian and his wife Noot posing with me and two of their three daughters at Lam Bam beach. They took us around all the sites of Phattalung on Sunday. They were 'jaidee' people and I loved our day out with them.

Do I look Thai posing next to these Menola statues?

I can now read signs like this: "Had Sen Sook Lam Bam" which means 'Lam Bam Happy Beach'. My brain really is overflowing with useless bollicks!

We headed to a nearby temple where the family could contemplate nirvana, karma and all things Buddhist - cool!

This is the only temple I have been too that overhangs water. You can put 5baht into the little box on the left and it will say a blessing for you.

Pat taking a break by outside the temple. This is Songkla Lake, a massive inland freshwater lake in Phattalung province.

Although it looks like the sea these fresh water lotus flowers take advantage of the warm mangrove water.

This is a common site throughout Asia - sun drying small fish at the side of the road.

Same same for rice.

You could by some intricate leather-based art work here.

Feeling fished out yet? There's a lot of it around these parts.

We stopped for a delicious meal at this restaurant overhanging a small lake. We had Yam Sam Gor, Tom Yam Koong and Dom Gatee which was all washed down with a Leo beer - AROY!

We then went canoeing - again!

Phattalung is famous for this mountain. Can you see the hole? I thought it was man-made, but no, it's entirely nature's work.

A pic of the King. A very important person in these parts. His image is everywhere.

We stopped at a market on the way back to Trang. The dark fish on the right squirmed around in the heat which created a divine fragrance.

We then stopped for a sunset coffee in the mountains that seperate Trang province from Phattalung province - a truly beautiful setting and a perfect end to another amazing day in amazing Thailand.

Kun waa arai? What did you say?